Saturday, September 22, 2012

RFW - Oh, how I hate...

Beauty is only skin deep- and it's remarkable just how shallow that can be. But not being the centre of attention has its own advantages. 

What has your beautiful friend done to make you hate her?

Do your really hate her, or are you just angry with yourself?

Hate is such a confusing emotion...and we all know it's closely aligned to love.

Pen your 400 words of prose/prosetry for this challenge! And, as always, don't forget the Romantic Element.

I'm trying something a little different this time.  Honest feedback is greatly appreciated.

Jen followed Sarah into the crowded bar in her shadow as usual.  Even in the dark, thick air Sarah was hard to miss in her leather mini and stiletto boots.  She carried herself with the confidence of a woman who had it all together.  It didn’t matter how much Jen primped before going out.  Sarah always stole the attention wherever they went.  It was all too familiar to Jen.

They headed for the bar towards Dylan, Sarah’s co-worker.   He had invited them out tonight to celebrate a major sale they had at work.  Jen figured she was Sarah’s tag-a-long of the night as usual.  

She heard an argument off to the side, and before she realized what happened some guy slammed into her.  The next few seconds were a blur as chaos broke out around them.

Jen felt the grip of strong arms come out of nowhere, flinging her away from the carnage.  Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.  The sounds of people shouting overshadowed the sounds of the booming music.  She looked up and realized she was safely in Dylan’s grasp.  He slowly set her down, releasing her to safety. 

Sarah was sprawled out on the floor, picking herself up slowly with a look of disgust on her face. The guy had plowed into Sarah and knocked her over when Dylan moved Jen out of the way.

“Nice to meet you”, Dylan smiled.  “You must be Jen”.  He hadn’t even acknowledged Sarah as she stood up, brushing the hair out of her eyes.
“Yes, nice to meet you too.  Thanks for catching me,” Jen’s face flushed. 

“Jen felt the need to make an entrance”, Sarah said snidely as she tried to brush off the dirt from the floor.  For the first time ever, Sarah looked disheveled.  Jen held back a snicker.

“I’m glad I could be of assistance”, Dylan said, still looking at Jen.
Sarah ran off to the restroom to pull herself together. 

Jen took a deep breath, inhaling the lingering scent of his cologne, as he offered her a seat.

The two of them hit it off instantly.  After a couple drinks, Jen realized Sarah had never returned.   Searching unsuccessfully for Sarah, Dylan offered to take Jen home.  Jen hesitantly agreed. 

Dylan gave Jen a peck on the cheek at her door, and she rushed in to call Sarah.  There was no answer.



  1. Well, hopefully nothing bad happened to Sarah. But, good for Jen!

  2. Is carnage too strong a word for what happens in the middle?

    Heather, your text is beautifully tight! I love to read a passage with impeccable structure. Very nice and clean. You have a command of grammar I wish I could see everywhere. :)

  3. Hi Heather
    Oh boy, you left us wondering about Sarah. I suspect there are lots of people who wish there snobby friend would get knocked to the floor. LOL What a surprise that Dylan connected with Jenn who felt inferior. Nice job.

  4. You tried something new alright Heather. A great vignette which is packed with loads of angst. What a surprise when Sarah gets knocked to the floor, then disappears. Now we all must know what happens next. I'm glad for Jen.

  5. Bit of a mystery brewing here. This is a good piece and I think you could expand it (when you're not restricted by word count). Cheers!

  6. Heather,

    I agree, it's a great set up for intrigue. I hope we get to learn more.

  7. I wanna know everything that happens after this! I hope you can turn this into something more! Such an engaging story, with so many surprises! Great Post Heather!! You should be very proud of yourself!

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  9. This was romance embodied. Tag-along friend makes good with conceited friend's intended lover. Love it when an assignation happens unexpectedly. And you know, I'm crass enough to be drawn to a bar scene that ends with a romance that actually works out.

    I like the implied romance of this; with Dylan and Sarah seeming to meet through providence. Excellent set up for a future romance. And the best friend jealousy was spot on in the opening lines. Well done Heather.

    Thanks for participating in this weeks RFW challenge :)


  10. Excellent scene setting, Heather. I wonder where Sarah disappeared too, I guess this is a friendship not destined to last! Go Dylan and Jen.

  11. I'm definitely Team Jen! Your writing is crisp and clean. I enjoyed your entry for the RFW. :)

  12. Love it!

    My only suggestion is to change the first sentence. I got lost in the prepositional phrase at the end is too far away from the noun it modifies in my opinion. "Jen followed Sarah into the crowded bar in the dark, thick air and disappeared into Sarah's shadow again." Or something like that. Or leave the shadow part for the end of the paragraph to let us know that's typical.

  13. Hi, Heather,

    First, let me say how much I enjoyed this whole scenario. Sarah, disheveled on the floor conjures up quite the image. And what a nice little meeting for Jen.

    I also agree with Suze, I believe carnage it too strong. And like Tonja, I had a bit of trouble with the first line.

    I know this is kind of my opinion, but I don't think the name Sarah fits the character. When I think of a the name Sarah, I think of a kind, sweet, person, the girl next door type .... more like Jen. That just may be me though.

  14. Hi,

    Oh lordy, always in the shadow never the spotlight, until... until...

    Nice twist ending. Go girl, go...

    First sentence as is: Jen followed Sarah into the crowded bar in her shadow as usual.

    Or: Jen followed Sarah into the crowded bar: her shadow as usual.


  15. Nice twist, I like that Jen finally got her time in the spotlight. :D

  16. You made Grab the limelight and she did it so well. I am sure
    Jen will shine after this and Sarah will have to accept. Enjoyed
    the twist and the fall :D

  17. You had my interest from the opening sentence to the last. Crisp narration, and very convincing characters. Particularly enjoyed the closing line. Thanks.

  18. Hi Heather,
    Jen finally got some well-deserved attention. Nice twist at the end.

    Thank you for your thoughts about my story about Ramona, Charlotte and Emil. We don't know that much about Emil. He could be either a nice guy or a rat. I don't know yet! Thanks for your input!

    Best wishes,
    RFW No. 45 - 'Oh how I hate my beautiful friend'

  19. Ooooft, Dylan's got it bad! Sarah doesn't sound like much of a pal, does she? Shame we all know someone like that, right enough! I want to know where Sarah disappeared to. Is she waiting at Dylan's house for his return, waiting to seduce and steal him from her "friend"? Oh... the possibilities!